@dylanmeadows: That's a lot of great advice! Glad to have you on the forum!
Similar to what everyone else said, if you want something quirky/weird you're going to need to find yourself a Dan Johnson to give a few paychecks to trying to make it serviceable. I'm not sure if that's why Dan replaced Jamie as TBK guitar tech, but I remember them having some guitar technical issues in the past. Selfishly, I'm glad Jamie's doing EQD now anyhow!